Couple conflicts: why do we fight and what to do?
Whether it's about money, work, housework, these are often the same topics of discussion that come up in a relationship. What are they saying about your relationship? How to solve them?
Differences in the way they organize themselves, express their emotions, manage finances, intensity of sexual desire. The problems are usually the same for most couples. The authors of Eight Dates say: One of the biggest myths about marriage is that if you never have an argument, it means your relationship is healthy. The problem is not in having areas of disagreement, but in being able to face them and deal with them with the other. Inside the confectionery, the couples greatest opportunity to grow and last arises. Here are all of our tips to help you.
Is this a problem that can be solved?
As the authors of Eight point out, it is important to distinguish between permanent and solvable problems.
The former refer to household chores, vacations, etc., and are resolved with effort. The latter represent our fundamental differences, around concepts such as punctuality, organization, interactions with their in-laws, etc. These disagreements simply imply acceptance.
The 10 complaints that break a relationship of trust
Trust, it goes without saying, is the foundation of any satisfying romantic relationship. According to the research of these authors, certain attitudes cause their rupture. Among the most frequent, we find: the fact of not making the other a priority, of not being present when the other is sick, of not contributing to the well-being of their family, of lying, having secrets, breaking promises, humiliating or degrading your partner in public or in private, being violent or simply not showing up on time.
As Sebastien Garnero, a psychologist and sex therapist, points out, cheating is often one of the key symbols of this broken trust: "In most romantic breakups, we find the notion of infidelity as the cause or trigger of separation in a couple. . Fidelity continues to be a strong unifying value and matrix of the couple in the bond of trust and love that each one can give himself within the framework of the relationship. "
How to argue in a positive way
In any case, the solution is to talk, but you will see that there is a method to make the conflict positive, that is, creative and non-destructive:
Step 1: Talk about how you felt during the discussion. What emotions did you have?
Examples: I was sad, angry, etc.
Step 2: validate the others version
Example: seen like this, I understand that you feel that ...
Step 3: Watch the trigger. Why did that bother you? Keep in mind that these are often persistent vulnerabilities that originated before your relationship. Find out what in your past makes you feel like the discussion has been rekindled and explain it to the other person.
Examples: I felt judged, excluded, abandoned, etc., because it reminds me of ...
Step 4: Accept your share of responsibility, no matter how small.
Step 5: Discuss how you could do things differently next time.
Tips for solving problems
If you are really looking to understand your partners position and get them to understand that you love and accept them, even if there is deep disagreement between you, then you can work it out. To this end, John and Julie Gottman advise adopting the following attitudes.
Do not make your partner the bad guy. In a healthy conflict, there is no victory, only understanding, acceptance.
Let your partner know that you are accepted.
Never avoid conflict (create emotional distance).
Do not criticize or judge others.
If you have any problem, please follow the 5 steps mentioned above.
Love the other in his totality, for what he is.
Recognize when a problem is soluble and when it is not - not all conflicts can be resolved.
Sample Conversations to Have and Questions to Ask
Whatever the subject of your disagreements, try to get out of your conflicts. Enrich your feelings about your partners position and your areas of disagreement. Ask what story could explain that this or that is important to him or her. Agree on how you can resolve misunderstandings in the future. Finally, summarize what you have understood from these discussions and move on.
We are all very different, and there is only the desire to build and the effort of what we do to get there that makes it possible to be successful in a married life. Of course, we can live passions or fleeting adventures without getting involved, but the beautiful relationship, the one that lasts and nurtures, this implies listening, investment, time, kindness, etc. Because only the love that has known how to go through trials and solve them by listening to others is real.